Tales of the Gollywolly
and other Stories
for Kye and Bindu

Paul Cheffers

8 May 2006

1 Introduction

Many people from the Fremantle area, where I have spent the last 12 years, have approached me about compiling stories of the Gollywolly, and his dastardly tricks and mischievious deeds, primarily to warn the children and parents of the world about his shenigans. I hope you will take heed from these following stories about taking up the deals of the Gollywolly.

Note: The Gollywolly is not related to the British character the Gollywog. The Gollywolly is not a minority. The Gollywolly is a shady businessman.

The Gollywolly and the Little Big Toe.. A cautionary tale about overprivatization.
The Gollywolly and the Box of Pills.. A cautionary tale about Anabolic Steroid use in Sports.
The Ant, The Wheat Silo, and The Prime Minister. The real story behind the Australian AWB wheat scandal.
The Old Tentmaker. My best story for the girls.
Joey and the Meekatharra 10 Kilometre Roadrace. My tribute to Aboriginal Australia, and Athletics.
Joey and The Tooth Brushing Contest. All the disc jockies and TV personalities should read this one.
The World Australian Football League. My tribute to Melbourne, my birthcity, and the game that is the heart of it.
The Fish and the Old Craggy Fisherman. My fish story.
The Story of Maytag, New South Wales. The secret of Maytag, New South Wales, explained!

My humorous poems are here.

2 The Gollywolly Stories

2.2 The Gollywolly and the Little Big Toe

There was this little boy and he made his money selling lemonade from his lemonade stand by the side of the road.

One day the Gollywolly went by. The Little Boy said: Do you want to buy a glass of lemonade?

No, said the Gollywolly, I'll tell you what. I'm looking for a little big toe. I'm looking for the best little big toe I can find and I think you have that toe. I'll tell you what. I'll give you heaps of money and you can give me your little big toe.

The Little Boy thought this was a good deal and so he cut off his little big toe and gave it to the Gollywolly.

The Little Boy went down to the store for a whole week and bought his mates lots of lollies.

After a week he didn't have any more money.

He saw the Gollywolly and asked him if he wanted to buy some lemonade. No, said the Gollywolly. I'm looking for a really good foot. I think your foot is a really good foot. I'll tell you what. I'll buy your foot and you'll have lots of money. So the little boy cut off his foot and gave it to the Gollywolly.

For a whole week the Little boy hobbled around the lolly store and bought his friends lollies. After a week he saw the Gollywolly and said: Mr Gollywolly, I cannot climb the lemon tree anymore to get lemons to use at my lemonade stand. I cannot sell lemonade anymore because I sold you my foot.

The Gollywolly said: Dont worry about that little boy. I'll tell you what. I need an arm. I need the best arm I can find. I'll tell you what. I'll give you heaps and heaps of money and you'll give me your arm. You'll have so much money you won't have to sell lemonade anymore.

So the little boy cut off his arm and gave it to the Gollywolly. The little boy hobbled down to the lolly store and bought heaps of lollies for himself and his friends.

After a week he did not have anymore money so he asked the Gollywolly what he would do. The Gollywolly said: I'm looking for a stomach. I'm looking for the best stomach I can find. I think you've got a good stomach. I'll tell you what. I'll buy your stomach and I'll give you heaps of predigested food so you don't need to eat normal food anymore and you'll be okay.

So the little boy thought about it and sold the Gollywolly his stomach.

After a week the little boy ran out of predigested food, and when he saw the Gollywolly he said: Mr Gollywolly, I want my stomach back and I want my arm back and I want my foot back and I want my little big toe back. I need all these things to be me.

The Gollywolly said: Little Boy, how are you going to pay for your stomach, how are you going to pay for your arm, how are you going to pay for your foot and how are you going to pay for your little big toe?

The little boy said he did not know how to pay for these things.

And the Gollywolly had an idea. He said: I'll tell you what. I'll cut off your head and put a spare head on your body that I keep in a box under my bed and I'll work your body for six months and then at the end of that time I'll give you back your body.

It sounded like a good idea to the Little boy so he cut off his head and gave it to the Gollywolly who put a spare head on the little boy's body and worked him for six months. After six months the little boy got his body back again, and he's really happy now, because he's got a gas pump for a stomach, a wooden arm and an iron foot, but he's really really happy since he's got his own little big toe back again.

2.4 The Gollywolly and the Box of Pills

One day the Little Boy was walking down to school when the Gollywolly asked him what he wanted more than anything else in the world. The Little Boy told him that he wanted to be able to kick a goal in football whenever he got the ball. So the Gollywolly gave him a box of pills and told him: whenever you want to kick a goal in a football match, take a pill and you'll kick that goal.

The Little boy went right off to school and tried out the pills.

At morning recess he got the ball 20 metres away from the goal. He took a pill and kicked the ball right through the goals.

At lunch he kicked the ball 50 metres for a goal after he had taken a pill. Not bad for a 9 year old.

At afternoon recess he got the ball 65 metres away from his goal and took a pill. Then he kicked the goal right through the goal posts.

After school he saw his friend, and told him, you can kick goals like me too, friend, if only you take these pills, just like me.

But his friend said he would not take the pills and he would practice to learn how to kick his goals.

All season long the little boy always kicked goals in football matches, and his team was in the Grand Final and his friend was in the other team.

In the first quarter the little boy caught the ball 25 metres away from the goal. He took a pill and kicked the goal right through.

In the second quarter the little boy caught the ball 50 metres away from the goal. He took a pill and kicked the goal right through.

In the third quarter the little boy caught the ball 75 metres away from the goal. No problems. He took a pill and kicked the goal easily.

In the last quarter with just 1 minute to go he caught the ball 20 metres away from goal. He looked in the pill box to take a pill, but there WASN"T anymore pills. So he had to kick the ball without the pills and he missed the goal.

Less than a minute later his friend, who had practiced to kick goals and who did not take pills, kicked a goal from 20 metres away to win the game.

So his friend's team won the Grand Final because they knew how to kick goals without taking pills.

3 The Other Tales

3.1 The Ant, The Wheat Silo, and The Prime Minister

This is a really true story that happened around the old North Fremantle wheat silo that they pulled down a few years ago. Some people say they pulled down the old silo because of this story.

There was this ant who saw a crack in a wheat silo. He went through it and got a grain of wheat and came out again. He told his mates and before you knew it there was a line of ants lined up at the wheat silo 24 hours of the day. After a few months the rubbing of the wheat grains in the hole made it larger and eventually small mice could go through the hole and get grains of wheat. They chewed at the hole and made it larger so that larger mice could go through.

Eventually a poor man noticed that the hole was the size of his fist, so he went home and got a pick and picked open the hole big enough to put a shovel through. He filled his bag with wheat and went home and fed his family. Soon, before you knew it, there was a line of poor man, 24 hours a day, waiting to get wheat from the silo.

At last a rich man noticed this and drove a big truck up and put a jackhammer against the silo so that the hole was now three metres by three metres. Before you knew it, a line of rich men, 24 hours a day, drove up their trucks to take wheat out of the wheat silo.

Soon there was no wheat in the North Fremantle wheat silo.

So they told the Prime Minister. He said: we've got to have wheat in Fremantle so the people can have bread. I don't care what you have to do. Just ship the wheat across the Nullabor Plain from Adelaide and fill the silo.

So they did that. But the ants took their grains, and the mice took their grains too. The poor men took their buckets and the rich men went on taking their truckloads. Before three days were out there was no wheat in the silo again, so they told the Prime Minister.

He said: Hold on. So they told him about the ants, about the mice and the poormen and the richmen. Then they said: who do you think we should get first, the poormen or the richmen? The Prime Minister thought about this and said: I think we should get the ants. I want the first ant that went through the wheat silo wall in front of me right now.

So they brought the first ant before the Prime Minister and the ant said: I'm just doing my job. I'm made to scavenge wheat, and the like, for me and my ant friends, and that's what I did.

No, you naughty ant, said the Prime Minister. Because you went through that wheat silo wall there is no more bread in Fremantle. You're going to Fremantle jail for nine years. So they took the ant away to Fremantle jail.

Then the Prime Minister got angry and asked for all the ants that went through the wheat silo wall. He said they were very bad ants and sent them off to Fremantle jail for eight years. Then he got the mice before him and yelled at them and sent them off to Fremantle prison for seven years.

Then he started getting livid and got all the poor men before him. He told them they had set a bad example for the richmen and so they were all going to Fremantle prison for five years.

Finally, he got the richmen before him and told them: I understand that because of microeconomic reform, introduced by my socialist opposition which gave the poormen shovels, that you were forced to do what you did. But in my last visit to the Queen, I promised her that I would rule fairly and without favor for all. So you're all going off to Fremantle prison for three years.

So that's the way it is now. Everybody who went through that silo wall is in Fremantle prison now, just like they should be.

But I've just heard. The first ant that went through the wheat silo wall has just find a crack in the wall of Fremantle prison.

He's gone through it, and gone back to tell his mates, and you know what happens next....

3.2 The Old Tentmaker

A little girl hurt her leg in the small village in the Mountain country one year, and it took three days on a cart on mountain roads to get her to the hospital in the capital city. So an old tentmaker, from the village, thought he could do better. So he sowed some canvas together and put a gas stove and a basket underneath it to make a balloon. The next week another little girl hurt her leg, so the tentmaker put her in his balloon and went over the hills and mountains to get to the hospital in the capital city in three hours instead of three days.

The King of the Mountain Country heard about this and told the old tentmaker that he had done something great, and that one day somebody in his family would marry the tentmaker's daughter.

Many years went by, and the old tentmaker gave many people trips to the hospital, but you know how too many people are, they only pay for things they are forced to, and the tentmaker never did, so he died a poor man.

The King heard about the death of the tentmaker and he called his eldest son right away. He said: We have to make it up to the tentmaker. I want you to marry the tentmaker's daughter.

The son of the King said: I don't want to. She has a wart on her nose and I can do better.

But the King said: Just do what I say. This is for the best.

So the King's eldest son walked down the wedding aisle with the tentmaker's daughter. As soon as they said "I do" a magic cloud descended from the church's ceiling and enveloped the tentmaker's daughter turning her into the most beautiful princess in the Kingdom.

And, also, a magic cloud descended from the church ceiling and enveloped the King's eldest son, turning him into the most handsome prince in the Kingdom.

Now the Mountain Kingdom was one country among five Kingdoms and they were all stuck on beauty contests. Each year they had a contest to see who was the most beautiful princess among the five Kingdoms.

This year the new princess, the tentmaker's daughter, was entered by the Mountain Kingdom, and unanimously, among the five judges, she was picked as the most beautiful princess in the five Kingdoms. Normally, it took days to pick the winner of the beauty contest, and there were all sorts of disagreements.

Princes from the other four kingdoms went up to the King of the Mountain Country and said: How can your princess be so much more beautiful than our princesses? What did you do? You must have cheated. You must have sent her to a beauty parlor.

But the King of the Mountain Country said: The princess, of whom you speak, is the most beautiful princess of the five Kingdoms, because her father was the most wonderful man of the five kingdoms. He was the old tentmaker who figured out a way to get the sick little boys and girls from the outlaying villages to the hospital in three hours instead of three days. Because the princess's father was a wonderful man by his deeds, his daughter is more beautiful than anyone else.

The other Princes said: that is all very good, Mountain Country King, but how can we get princesses to wed who are as beautiful as your princess.

The only possible way, said the King, is to contract the sons of the tentmaker and to buy balloons from them so that your kingdoms can get the little kids to the hospital in hours instead of days. Only that way is it possible that your princesses can be as beautiful as ours.

So it was done. The other four kingdoms contracted with the sons of the tentmaker to buy balloons and to establish balloon factories in their countries, and when they could transit their children to the hospital in three hours instead of three days, magical clouds would descend upon the princesses of their country and turn them into as beautiful princesses as the princess of the Mountain Country.

Afternote: I composed this story on the train to Alice Springs in the Northern Territory of Australia. When I arrived in Alice Springs I visited the museum of The Royal Flying Doctor Service and found that someone, the Reverend Flynn, had, between 1911 and 1930, done exactly what the tent maker of my story had done, establish the first flying doctor service in the world. So this story is dedicated to Reverend Flynn and all his brave staff who established that service in the first half of the twentieth century in hot and dusty Northern Territory.

As a further note, Alf Traeger, the Lutheran electronics expert in Adelaide in the late 1920s, became a friend of Reverend Flynn, and developed the Push Pedal Radio in 1928. Women on Outback stations were able to send morse code messages to base stations and other properties by pushing a bike-like pedal that generated the electricity. Messages up to 600 kilometres could be sent this way, and this was very popular with the women who often had no other women to talk to, being alone with a few dozen men on the cattle stations. SMS messaging was a going concern in the late 1920s in Outback Australia due to the efforts of committed Christian people.

3.3 Joey and The Tooth Brushing Contest

Joey always had trouble brushing his teeth and the men and women of the village, after talking about this problem, decided to have a contest, between the men and the women, to see who could get Joey to brush his teeth. It was the men's turn first, and the leader of the men was Joey's father.

So Joey's father the next night got up and told Joey to go brush his teeth. So Joey ran into the bathroom, pretended to brush his teeth and instead went to the fridge and got himself a lolly.

So Joey's father knew this would be more difficult than he thought. So he went to the local village radio station and talked to his friend the disc jockey. The Disc Jockey agreed to help right away. Joey liked listening to the disc jockey on the radio, and so the next night the disc jockey went on radio, when Joey was listening, and said: everybody in the village is listening to this, Joey, and we're all counting on you to get up right now and brush your teeth. Joey got up right away, went to the bathroom, pretended to brush his teeth and instead got a lolly out of the fridge.

So Joey's father knew this would be very difficult so he went to his friend, the actor, who was working at the city television station. The actor agreed right away to help and came up with a TV program where the detective always solved the murder mystery when he was brushing his teeth in the morning before going to work. He'd be brushing his teeth and say: Oh, the butler must have done it. And whoever he said was the murderer, while he was brushing his teeth, always was the murderer.

Joey loved the program. After he watched it at night he always got up to go to the bathroom, pretended to brush his teeth, and got a lolly out of the fridge instead.

So Joey's father knew this was going to be really very difficult so he went to the President of the country and told him about the contest between the men and the women. The President immediately agreed to help and the next night he went on TV and gave a speech about how their country could not be a great country unless all the twelve year old boys brushed their teeth each night. He then signed a Presidential decree ordering all twelve year old boys to immediately get up and brush their teeth. Joey always watched the President's speeches and immediately went to the bathroom, pretended to brush his teeth and then got a lolly from the fridge.

So after this defeat, Joey's father and the men admitted they were beaten. So it was the women's turn.

The next night Joey's mother went up to Joey and told him that he wasn't going to get anymore pocket money unless he brushed his teeth right away. Joey then went to the bathroom and brushed his teeth right away, so the women won the contest.

3.7 Joey and the Meekatharra 10 Kilometre Roadrace

Joey lived around ten kilometres outside of Kalgoorlie, which is in the Western Australian desert. One day he went into town and saw the 400 metres final of the Sydney Olympic Games and saw the Australian Kathy Freeman win the race and come in first for Australia.

Joey was so happy that Kathy Freeman had won the race that he asked his father to let him off the truck halfway to his house, and he was going to run all the way home.

Every day Joey would do this with his Dad. He would get out around half way to home and run all the way home. Soon he was getting pretty good at running home, and everybody noticed he was the best runner in the area.

Now Joey had three sisters and they were reading in the paper about the upcoming Meekatharra 10 kilometre road race, so they entered Joey in the race, and started saving up their pocket money.

Now when Joey got to the starting line of the race everybody in the crowd had put their money on Jack to win the road race. But Joey's sisters put their money on Joey and got 100 to 1 odds.

Joey started the race and soon he was leading the race, but Jack, the favorite, ran into the crowd and got on a bicycle in order to catch Joey and get the money. But Joey just started thinking about Kathy Freeman running her 400 metre race and he started going faster, so that he caught Jack, even though Jack was on the bicycle, and passed him. Soon the judges made Jack get off the bicycle and he had to run after Joey again.

But at this point there were 5000 punters [gamblers] crowded on both sides of the road that Joey was running on, and you know what happens when 5000 punters get worried at the same time about losing their money on a bet. They start smoking. So suddenly there were 5000 people smoking cigarettes on both sides of the road leading out of Meekatharra, and Joey started coughing and sputtering and Jack started to catch him. Joey wondered what he would do with all the smoke, but all he did was think about Kathy Freeman winning her 400 metres race in the Sydney Olympics and he started speeding up and cleared the area where the punters were smoking, so that Jack did not have a chance to catch him anymore.

There was only a kilometre to the finishing line now and nobody could stop Joey from beating Jack and his sisters from getting the money. But just then a tall thin witch, who had bet her cattle station that Jack would win, stepped out of the crowd between Joey and the finish line. She waved her magic wand and magically moved a slag heap between Joey and the finish line. So, instead of running straight to the finish line, Joey had to run up the slag heap, which is a big hill made from mining. As soon as Joey started running up the slag heap the big tall thin witch waved her wand again and this time a tunnel appeared at the bottom of the slag heap, which Jack ran through.

Now everybody wondered who would get to the finish line first. Would Joey get there first, who had to run up and over the slag heap, or would Jack get to the finish line, who had the advantage of running through the tunnel at the bottom of the slag heap.

But as everybody saw, Joey ran down the slag heap and finished first. Just then, Jack ran out the tunnel the same way he went in. Because the tall thin witch had forgot to put lights in the tunnel and Jack was afraid of the dark.

So everybody saw Joey get the first prize from the judges and Joey's sisters were really proud of him and gave him a kiss and an ice-cream, but even though they were very proud of him, they were still not going to share the money they won with him.

But then Joey told them that it wasn't for the money that he won the race, but because of Cathy Freeman running so bravely in the 2000 Olympic Games, and his sisters then gave him a kiss and shared their money with him.

3.8 The World Australian Football League

Ron Barassi, who played for many Australian Football championship teams, was in his role as good will ambassador for the game to the rest of the world, when he saw the President of the United States out of the front lawn of the White House with his teenage son.

So he kicked his Australian football to the President who, being athletic, caught the ball. Then Ron taught the President how to have a kick to kick [kicking the ball between each other] with his son on the White House lawn.

The President enjoyed the session and kicked the ball back to Ron Barassi after five minutes or so.

A local photographer had taken a photo of the kicking session and it had gotten into the local paper.

A week later, in the weekly media briefing, the media officer had noted that there was positive feedback, particularly among the women, about the Australian kick to kick, and they offered the idea that maybe the President could try it again.

Never one to look good publicity in the eye, the President got his son out on the White House lawn for another ten minute kick to kick this time. A reporter from a national daily took the picture and this time it got national attention with positive feedback being reported by the media people, because of the hometown family scene of the President taking time out to be with his eldest son.

Soon the President was spending every other day kicking the Australian football to his son, and the media stopped doing anything else but reporting the kick to kicks. Soon a cable TV station started showing the President kicking the football to national political figures, international dignities and, of course, to his eldest son.

Traditionally, the President threw out the first football of the Super Bowl game to the waiting teams, and this year, before he did so, he threw off his coat to reveal an Essendon jumper and shorts, then he booted a 50 metre punt to the surprised American football teams waiting in the middle of the field. The media went into a frenzy. Here was a shot of a nicely rounded President behind and a good Presidental thigh and calf. Approval ratings with American women voters went way up and the President stopped attending to Presidental business and started working on his football figure.

The American President had been briefed on all the major Australian football teams, and when it came for him to pick a team to support, he obviously picked the Essendon Bombers.

During the next Presidental race, at the Presidental debate, his opponent wiped him out on all the issues and had total control of the facts of governing the USA, but the President craftily waited until his opponent made a small verbal miscue and then thrust his left hand out in the Australian Football umpiring decision for a behind (1 point) instead of a goal (6 points). The press immediately picked this up and everyone stopped listening to the political opponent and the President got reelected to a second term.

Soon after reelection, the President ordered the US armed forces to play the new brand of football. The American military took the game all over the world and soon everybody in the world was playing Australian football.

Within 10 years of Ron Barassi teaching the American President how to kick the football, there was a World Australian Football League, and Melbourne, the home city of the game, was trying to win the World Grand Final instead of the Australian Grand Final.

They named the Melbourne team the "Pavvies". Now Ron and his friends all counselled against this, but the sponsers of the team wanted to sell pavlova [an Australian desert] in all the grounds of the World League, and they needed the team to remind everyone of Anna Pavlova, the famous dancer for whom pavlova is named. So the name stuck.

In the first year of the league's existence, the Melbourne Pavvies mowed down everybody in their path and soon went to Moscow Stadium to play the Moscow Storm in the World Grand Final. The stadium was a covered stadium, since Moscow is so cold, and the game was a tight affair with the tremendous Russian defense tough to crack. But Joe Slomboski, of the Melbourne Pavvies, marked the ball twenty metres away from goal with no time left and his team five points behind [1 goal will win the game from here]. Just as he was about to kick the ball for the almost certain goal, the stadium roof opened, letting in the midwinter Russian blizzard. Before he could kick the ball, the snow fell around him so hard that he could not see the goal or anywhere around him. He was in what is called a whiteout. The umpire, using his whistle, ordered Joe to kick the ball. They waited for five minutes for the 'whiteout' to clear and went looking for the ball, but they never found it. So the Moscow Storm won the first World Grand Final because there was nothing in the rule book about the football disappearing in a snow storm whiteout.

The Melbourne people licked their wounds and changed the state goverment to a more football friendly government. Soon women all around Melbourne started lining up outside the Pavvies headquarters to hand in their jewelry and gold to be melted down to buy the players that would ensure that the Melbourne Pavvies won the World Grand Final the next year.

With the new players and the best of the old team, the Melbourne Pavvies swept all before them and easily got into the World Grand Final again, this time at the Melbourne Cricket Ground, against the Houston Aircraft Carriers. The Houston team was named this because the owner of the Houston Aircraft Carriers owned an Aircraft carrier which he sailed to all of his away games. The word on the Houston team was that they had a great Fullback [Goalie] that you had to watch out for, by the name of Jack Johnston. The Houston and Melbourne teams took the field at the Melbourne Cricket Ground for the World Grand Final, and all Melbourne was in anticipation. Funnily, the Houston team only fielded 17 men (there are normally 18 men on an Australian Football team), Jack Johnston not being there, but the game started right away.

The Melbourne team with its great tradition and its highly bought players was fierce but the American team with its great American athleticism stayed close all the way. Finally, with just four seconds left to play, Joe Slomboski, from the Melbourne Pavvies, caught the football only twenty metres away from the goal. The Pavvies were only four points behind, with one goal they would win the game. Time ran out and the umpire whistled for Joe Slomboski to kick, which he did, when, just then, from high above the Melbourne Cricket Ground, an F-18 jet appeared in the sky. It flew down into the stadium and positioned itself just metres in front of the Houston goal. Suddenly, a big hand, the hand of Jack Johnston, stuck itself out of the plane and stopped the football. The ball dropped aimlessly and stopped a metre before the goal. The F-18 kept on flying and disappeared, flying over the Cricket Ground's Great Southern Stand. The players were stunned. The Houston Aircraft Carriers had won the game.

The Pavvies appealed but since there was nothing in the rule books about a fullback [goalie] using an F-18 to stop a punt from going through the goal, the Carriers won the Game and the Pavvies lost their second straight World Grand Final.

Now I do not want to underestimate what Australian football has done for the world and how nobody in the world would ever want to play any other game. For instance, there is no more war anymore. Whenever there is a territorial dispute the local primary school football teams play and decide who gets to control the territory for the next year. Nobody complains. There will be another game the next year to decide who controls the territory. The leader of the country is always the best and fairest from ten years before in the country's premier league. The Supreme Court justice of the country is always a successful premier league umpire. Nobody would want anybody judging over them except someone who could umpire a fair Australian football game. And there is no more famine. Whenever anybody hears about famine anywhere, they simply ship over Four and Twenty meat pies to the area. The little kids eat them up and there is no more famine.

... But there is no life within ten square kilometres of the MCG (the Melbourne Cricket Ground). After the Pavvies lost their second straight World Grand Final, the people of Melbourne started abandoning the city. They would not stay where there was not first grade championship football. Many of them migrated over the Dandenongs to start up new cities in the Gippsland region, large conveys of cars and trucks travelled over to Adelaide where there was still a hope of winning the World Australian Football Grand Final, and huge numbers of boats and planes travelled over Bass Strait to Tasmania, still an Australian football functioning state. The last thing the city elders did before abandoning the city was to sow the Melbourne Cricket Ground with salt so that Rugby League could never be played there.

Now, I ask you, friends, what profit a city if it gains the world, but loses its game.

3.9 The Fish and the Old Craggy Fisherman

One day this fisherman was fishing and he saw a huge fish. It was the biggest fish in the lake, around 1.5 metres long.

The fish almost bit his bait, circled around the bait and then swam off. The fisherman said to this old craggy fisherman just by. Did you see that? That fish was the biggest fish I ever saw.

The old craggy fisherman said. Yes, that is the biggest fish in the lake, also the smartest. I've tried to get that fish for years myself but I can never quite catch him.

How do you think I can catch the fish then? said the other fisherman

Oh, I'll tell you what. That fish is so smart that they say he swims in this drain pipe that connects this lake with the next pond. Nobody fishes in the other pond, so he is safe there. Perhaps, you can try the other pond and see what happens.

So the fisherman spent two days fishing in the other pond but he didn't catch the big fish. He didn't even get a bite.

The old craggy fisherman said: Well, that fish is the smartest fish in the whole area so it hard to catch him. They say he is so smart he can even drive a car.

You see, the scientists tried to teach fish to drive cars in this here lake. After they finished the experiment they left their fish-car so they could try another time. The fish car has water in it and the controls are designed for fish. The idea is to see if fish can drive cars.

They say the big fish is so smart he waited until after the scientists finished their experiment and left their fishcar in the lake. Then he learnt to drive the fish car himself and that he drives the car around the neighborhood at night.

The word is that he drives to this pond in the hills where nobody fishes and that is how he never gets caught.

So the fisherman drove his car to the pond in the hills and fished there for a whole week, but, what do you know, he didn't even get one bite.

The fisherman was still really keen to catch this really smart fish so he was talking to the craggy old fisherman again when the old fisherman said.

You see, this fish is so smart that he is almost human. They say he has the strengths and also the weaknesses of humans. The word is that he might be tempted with money. Yea, money. You see, I reckon, if you take your bathtub out of the bathroom and put it in your backyard, fill it with water, and leave a 100 dollar bill in it, over two to three nights you might see the fish try to get the 100 dollar bill.

So the fisherman went home right away and took his bathtub out to the backyard, filled it with water and left a 100 dollar bill in it.

He stayed up the whole next night waiting for the fish, but the fish didn't arrive.

Half way during the second night he got tired and fell asleep. When he woke up the next morning the 100 dollar bill was missing!!

So the fish must have got the 100 dollar bill when I was asleep he said.

He saw the craggy old fisherman that very day and told him this. The old fisherman had a new car and new fishing gear, and he said to keep on trying to get the big fish with more 100 dollar bills.

The fisherman tried a few more times but could never quite catch the fish taking the 100 dollar bills from the bathtub at night. So he gave up.

So you see, that story happened a few years ago, and I was the fisherman who put the bathtub in the backyard to catch the big fish. I'm still scratching my head to see what happened. I think the fish must have offered the old fisherman a deal ... I think that's what it was.

3.13 The Story of Maytag, New South Wales

This is a story from Maytag, New South Wales. It's a sleepy coastal village in the South of the state, but it has a secret. The secret it has is this story.

You see, the little boys of Maytag always had to help their mothers do the dishes at night. Every night the little boys would get up from the table right after dinner and wash the dishes for Mummy.

Or else, the next morning when they were walking to school, they would be eaten by the Wagyll!

The Wagyll was a big bird that lived by the beach in Maytag. It always knew when the little boys had NOT done the dishes. If any of them had not done the dishes that night the Wagyll would chase them on the way to school and eat them. Then the Wagyll always layed them as a big egg on the beach by the Wagyll's nest.

The school would notice the boy was missing and would contact the mother who would always go down to the beach with big knitting needles. She would find the big transparent egg where her child was and tap on the big egg until the egg cracked and she got her child back again.

Then, of course, the little boy had to do the dishes that night or it would all happen to him again. It was a tremendous tyranny and something had to be done about it.

You see. It wasn't the Mummies who were making their little boys do the dishes each night. It was the Wagyll! The Wagyll was making them do it.

So one night two brothers from Maytag decided to do something about it. The eldest brother refused to do the dishes that night.

You know what will happen tomorrow, said the mum. The Wagyll will get you.

I don't care Mum, said the eldest boy. I've got a plan to take care of the Wagyll!

So the eldest boy went to school that next morning with knitting needles. That's what the Mums used to get the boys out of the eggs, so that's what he would use when he was inside the egg.

The Wagyll tracked him down and ate him, then layed him in a transparent egg by the beach, just as planned.

Then the eldest boy tried to tap the egg from the inside with his knitting needles.

Drat, there was no room within the egg for him to move his arms. His knitting needles were stuck by his arms. He couldn't get out.

So his mum came around with her own knitting needles soon afterwards, tapped on the egg from the outside and got her son out. He had to go home and do the dishes that night. That was the deal.

So the youngest son didn't do the dishes that night, to tempt the Wagyll.

What will you do? said the Eldest son. You can't use the needles. I already tried that and it didn't work.

So the youngest boy got up very early the next morning, before the Wagyll woke up. He went down to the Fish and Chip store, which was always open in Maytag, and bought some Chips.

He then walked to school with the Chips close to his chest. He had the paper wrapping open so he could pick out the chips, one by one.

Soon the Wagyll saw him, ate him and layed him as a transparent egg by the beach where its nest was.

That's when the youngest boy got his plan working. Inside the egg, he opened the chip wrapping more and more. He then waited to see whether his plan would work.

First, one seagull came by and saw the chips. He started tapping on the egg and telling his mates about the chips. Two seagulls came up and started tapping on the egg. Soon, dozens of seagulls were madly tapping on the egg where the little boy was trapped inside.

Soon, the egg started to crack, in one place, then another. The little boy could get his hand out soon and put some chips outside the egg. The seagulls went into a frenzy and soon had the egg completely shattered.

The little boy was free. He had broken the tyranny of the Wagyll over the little boys of Maytag, New South Wales. They would never have to do the dishes for their mothers again, as long as they knew about the chips.

So that is the story of why little boys never do the dishes for their Mums in Australia. Because they fought for the right not to do the dishes, they used guile in the battle over the dishes, and they finally figured out how to get out of the Wagyll's egg, by teaming up with the seagulls!

And it is also the explanation for why Australian kids always get chips whenever they go out anywhere. Australian kids never go anywhere without chips, because, you know, the Wagyll is still there, and you just never know when you'll need those chips to get you out of the Wagyll's egg, because you didn't do the dishes for Mum last night. That's the secret of Maytag, and a lot of the rest of New South Wales as well.

File translated from T_EX by T_TH, version 3.74.
On 3 Jun 2006, 07:13.

Tales of the Gollywolly and other Stories for Kye and Bindu