Humorous Poems

Paul C. B. Cheffers

26 September 2004

1  Introduction

2  Humorous Poems

2.1  Coke or Pepsi

Coke or Pepsi
by Paul Cheffers Copyright 1996

It's Coke or Pepsi for government you pick,
One of them's named Michael, the other one's Mic
No matter who you in the Lodge do stick
It's Coke or Pepsi to rule you get to pick

Someone said: show some nouce
Vote for Sprite in the Upper House
Or why don't you put mineral water in
It's pure and it's damned at the Franklin,
Oh but it's expensive and it doesn't have any fiz
and it definitely doesn't get along with the big biz!

Me, I've always been a Coke man
Pepsi will send us broke, man
But my mate he says: get in step, see
Get out there and vote for Pepsi.

Third world friends they ask me, what's democracy
I say it's when you get to vote for Coke or Pepsi
Third world friends they ask me who to vote for and folla
I say whoever can mix 5c of sugar, 1c of water and charge you a dollar

2.2  The Single Mother of my Dreams

The Single Mother of my Dreams
by Paul Cheffers, c 1995

(song)

She's the single mother of my dreams,
she's got my babe who she wheans
she's got blonde hair and blue eyes
she likes Big Macs and french fries

I can't tell you what she means to me
It's like from prison being free
Her temper's really sweet
the way she laughs it's mega neat

She's got a son named Bindu
He's a real little ozzie true blue
He loves his mother
just like he loves my son, his little brother
We're a real little family on access day
and I hope that way it will always stay

Us men from marriage the single Mums may have wheaned
but they're still the woman of our dreams.

2.3  The Ballard of Polly, the Smoker

The Ballard of Polly, the Smoker
by Paul Cheffers, c 1995

Polly quit smoking in 1994
and to celebrate she went on a world tour
For seven years she travelled and did not smoke
but finally her trip came to an end for she was broke
She returned in 2001, and there was a welcome home party
Everyone was there and the crowd was rather arty
Then Polly broke down and had a cigarette
oh dear, she had broken 21st century ettiquite
People around her grew pale and began to fidgit
for what she had done was no longer legit.
A radio message went from the room smoke detector
to the metropolitan office of the state smoking protector
Immediately went out units to apprehend the offender
(the police, privatized, put the arrest out for tender)
the private security guards arrived at the scene
they approached Polly and went thru her bluejeans
they checked her handbag for hidden matches
then they did a body search for nicotene patches
That's when they found the pack of Jackson Fives
Polly had apparently smuggled in from the Maldives
Polly had fallen into the trap of so many
smoking in Australia was now a state felony

Banned first in offices, then pubs and restaurants
illegal were the population's tobacco wants
the plant became an officially controlled substance
possession punished by indefinite sentence
Health professionals everywhere were in rage
Polly became liable for passive smoking damage
They claimed she imperiled the health of all around her
Jail said they this unrepentent mass lung killer
Tried, she went off to the smokers' reeducation camp
she said goodbye to Jazmin and her smoking hand felt damp
for although smokers, the political prisoners of the 21st century,
are sent to jail to prevent self-inflicted lung injury,
she was sent by a writ, to stay there until she quit
but Polly had appealed and knew they would acquit
for it was not tobacca she had smoked but marijuana
which she had imported from the country of Ghana

Released, for now as a non-tobacca smoker she again had rights
she had heavy legal compensation in her sites
but, drat, analysis showed in the joint traces of tobacca
she was sent back to a private jail owned by Kerry Packer.
at the UN they debated whether it was clear
if Polly had the right to breath her own mix of atmosphere
but in Australia anti-smoking had reached a critical stage
movies with smokers now were censured with a blurred image
Polly in the prison courtyard daily strolled
and sometimes defiantly puffed a smuggled hand-rolled
Once on a holiday she got hold of a hidden menthol
but the authorities found out and denied her parole
Olly and Jazmin visited and smuggled in filtertips
bought on the black market from sailors in foreign ships
Once Olly brought a packet with the Marlboro man
which they shared together in the conjugal van
One day it was too much for Polly who'd had enough
She collapsed, too many days since she'd snuck a puff
Soon she lay on the doctor's table livelessly
until he injected nicotene into her introvenously
Now because our society for smoking did her indict
Polly is a hospitialized drug addict
No longer can she, as she lays in bed on the drip,
pursue her God-given right to back a horse on a hot tip
No longer can she skull a jigger of brandy
or bum a fag in the pub from a local dandy
No longer can she take to her sweet lips
the froth of a beer which her own hand tips
No longer can she do what's Dinky Di
all the good things Australian have passed her by.

Now caution all ye Australians as ye hear
the story of Polly who smoked a cigarette a seven year
health, by leglisation, is now one of our responsibilities
we're judged by how deep are our lung capabilities
Olly sticks with her to the end, although he sheds a tear,
because after smoking he's convinced they'll ban beer.
Triumph the wowsers of the State Government over all.
After smokes, there'll be no more middies or glasses tall
for in the 21st century the oppression endured by the citizen
will first and foremost be that of preventive medicine.

2.4  I used to Love Ya Baby

I used to love ya baby
by Paul Cheffers, Copyright 1996

I used to love you baby
but you did me wrong
I used to love you baby
until you hid me bong!

We was a pair that was annoint
but then you went and hid me joint
And then when I went and had a snooze
You broke into the fridge and hid me booze.

It's not the way to Rock and Roll
After all we're both still on parole.

But with you baby I didn't complain
until you went and hid me cocaine.
And of our troubles we hit the origin
when you went and hid me heroin.

I used to love you baby
but you did me wrong
I used to love you baby
until you hid me bong!

You didn't understand the strength of my convictions
that I had about my multiple addictions.
You should have respected my individuality
instead you questioned my constant chemical whimsicality!

Oh how could a Rock and Roll singer possibly put up with
a women who wouldn't snort and sniff!

I used to love you baby
but you did me wrong,
I used to love you baby
until you hid me bong!

2.5  Yesterday (song)

Yesterday
by Paul Cheffers, Copyright 1996

Yesterday
Backjack was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide til May

Oh Yesterday's Pay went suddenly.

Why It Had To Go, I Don't Know
The accountant wouldn't say.

I Read The Race Form Wrong
Now I Long For Yesterday's Pay

Yesterday
That tax bill was so far away
Now it looks as though it's due today
Oh Yesterday's bills came due suddenly.

Suddenly,
I've not half the funds I used to have.
There's bankruptcy standing over me.
Oh Yesterday's bills came
due, suddenly.

2.6  Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby (Humorous Song)

Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby,
You're my baby until I find another one.
Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby,
You're my baby until I find someone more fun.

When I go to the supermarket
I always put my car whereever I can park it.
The food I buy is never the dearest!
I always pick whichever is the nearest!

Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby,
You're my baby because you are not the dearest.
Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby,
You're my baby because you are the nearest!

When I go to the neighboring pub,
I always eat the local grub.
The beer I buy is never the steepest.
I always buy whichever is the cheapest.

Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby,
You're my baby because you're not the steepest.
Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby,
You're my baby because you are the cheapest!

Whenever I take a woman out for dinner
I always tell her she should be much thinner
I always say that if she wants to stay for me
She'll always have to learn to pay for me.

Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby,
You're my baby because you'll stay for me
Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby,
You're my baby because you'll pay for me.

Now that between us has been squared
Whatever between you and I can be aired.
You're not going out with a dag
Instead you're going out with a ratbag.

Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby,
Ain't ya lucky you're not going out with a dag?
Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby,
Instead you're going out with a ratbag!!!!

2.7  Kye's Song (song)

Kye's Song
by Paul Cheffers, Copyright 1997

It's gunna be sunny, It's gunna be fine
We're gunna go fishing, son, when the sun does shine.
We're gunna catch blowies by the end of the pier.
We're gunna go to MacDonalds when sundown's near.
You're gunna have an ice cream and play on the swings
Because spending time with you, son, is the best of things.

We're gunna go home to your Mummy
She's gunna fix you something to eat, something real yummy.
We're gunna watch TV and have a playfight
and then I'm gunna go to my car and say goodnight.
Oh I'm gunna remember each one of these evenings
Because spending time with you, son, is the best of things.

I'm sure you gunna grow up to be a fine young man
You'll probably be a surfer with a huge suntan.
I intend to be there each step of the way
It's just a bit sad I won't get to see you each and every day.
Oh, I'm gunna remember, no matter what life may bring
That spending time with you, son, is the best of things.

Spending time with you, son, is the best of things.

2.8  You were a beautiful women (song)

You were a beautiful Women
by Paul Cheffers, Copyright 1998

You were a beautiful women, I was a big fat slob,
You made 50 grand a year, each week I bought home two bob.
But when it came to loving, you always grabbed the handles,
And when it came to putting out the lights, I always blew out the candles.

Now I made my living in the profession of Ronald Biggs,
And you kept the weight down each day with a packet of ciggs.
But when the police came and said: we got him and he's as big as a whale,
You were always really nice about bringing down the bail.

Because you were a beautiful women, I was a big fat slob,
You made 50 grand a year, each week I bought home two bob.
But when it came to loving, you always grabbed the handles,
And when it came to putting out the lights, I always blew out the candles.

Now my living often took me far away from home,
And I had many business meetings under the courthouse dome,
But when it came to me ... being a plaintiff
You were always really nice about bribing the bailiff

Because you were a beautiful women, I was a big fat slob,
You made 50 grand a year, each week I bought home two bob.
But when it came to loving, you always grabbed the handles,
And when it came to putting out the lights, I always blew out the candles.

Now the judge has just given me a sentence of ten years to life,
I guess you wouldn't be interested anymore in being my wife!
But then you said you'd be proud and happy to be my mate.
If I had a 100 kilos to lose, you'd have ten years to wait.

Because you were a beautiful women, I was a big fat slob,
You made 50 grand a year, each week I bought home two bob.
But when it came to loving, you always grabbed the handles,
And when it came to putting out the lights, I always blew out the candles.

Now ten years have past and I've just been released from jail,
And there's my old girlfriend, now withered and pale.
Her money's all gone and ghost writing for Chopper Read has made me lots!
But because she's so beautiful inside, for her I still got the hots!

Because she was a beautiful women, I was a big fat slob,
She made 50 grand a year, each week I bought home two bob.
But when it came to loving, she always grabbed the handles,
And when it came to putting out the lights, I always caused sex scandals.